twenty seven

january’s new beginnings, birthdays, getting older, and reflections on time

what do you think when you hear it’s january?

most people think of the new year, their resolutions, and the actions they’re taking to change their life in the coming twelve months.

i love that there’s an annual event everyone agrees upon to reflect on their lives, whether they want to change or keep growing as they are.

people also consider the fact that january is the middle of winter. well, at least it is for most of the world. in california, it remains sunny, with rainy days sprinkled in some years.

i’m a january baby, so i treat january like i have two different new years.

on january 1, i rang in the new year with friends and slept 3.5 hours before celebrating the day with family and friends in pasadena and altadena at the rose parade and rose bowl game. it was such a fun day with my family, and i spent the next few days going through my resolutions, my 2025 bingo board, and my goals. i felt ready to take on the year.

rose parade / rose bowl / 2025 bingo board

that was until january 7th when two fires broke out in los angeles — one in my partner’s hometown, pacific palisades, and the other in my hometown, altadena. this new year has been a painful one thus far because of the devastation and loss both communities are suffering from right now. as i write this, neither fires have been contained yet, but the firefighters are valiantly working around the clock to put them out.

both communities immediately began to rally around each other, and seeing all the efforts of volunteers, gofundmes, and events has been awe inspiring. my sister kate and i were talking about ways to help and our first thought was to put together a guide of resources and gofundmes we came across through friends, old classmates, and more — if you want to take a look, this is it:

i found it very difficult to focus on various substack drafts i really wanted to post at the beginning of the year, gravitating instead to my journal.

that’s when kate recommended that i make a zine of my film photographs of altadena and pasadena to raise funds as a donation for altadena girls, a fire relief fund run by teenage girls for teenage girls in the altadena & pasadena area. i’ve been so inspired by my friends offering their time and money, and this is just one way i’ll be offering my time and art to the cause. 100% of the proceeds of the zine will go to altadena girls. if you’re interested in purchasing a copy of the zine and donating, here is the google form! orders will be open until 12:00am pst on jan 23. you can also message me with any questions 🦋

but back to january beginnings.

today, january 20th, i turned 27.

i spent my last day of 26 in mexico city with my boyfriend. we started the morning off early for a breakfast at fonda margarita. a breakfast of coca cola light, two churros, and green chilaquiles with egg. from fonda margarita, we stepped into a church across the street. although i’m not religious, whenever i travel and see a church, i step into it. my dad has a belief that when you enter a new church, you can make three wishes. and i always make my wishes.

we made our way to casa azul, the residence of frida kahlo and diego rivera, also known as museo frida kahlo. the beautiful cobalt blue walls welcome its guests to a stunning home. the gardens are lush and verdant with so many native plants. i knew i wanted to spend my last day of 26 at frida’s home because i loved her art growing up. seeing frida’s work in my elementary school art class was the first time i distinctly remember looking at a piece and feeling warm inside. and now, years later, being at her creative spaces, i felt her presence. we walked the grounds and took in the home, stopping to read every write-up on the wall. after we went through the house, we sat in the garden. i took my trusty journal out of my tote bag and wrote:

i feel at peace, i feel frida here in these gardens, among the deep blue on the walls and in the movement of the wind.

spending time in frida’s creative spaces calmed my soul; casa azul was filled with her spirit. it felt like the perfect way to reflect on my last year: artistically, creatively, and personally.

casa azul

this monday is my second new year. i’m the definition of a birthday person — i absolutely adore my birthday and always have. i love celebrating with my favorite people, i love that i’m the first day of aquarius season, and i love throwing a themed party (a later newsletter to come on this last detail!)

but one thing i don’t love? i’m not obsessed with the concept of aging. i’m well into my mid-20s when i feel like my early 20s were ripped away from me by covid.

my thoughts encapsulated on x by user tonystatovci

even though i love my birthday, every year like clockwork, i cry. i become sad reflecting on my life so far. and not just a small, sweet tear is shed. a big, reflective, emotional breakdown crashes over me. it’s a strange dichotomy between the excitement for my celebration that year and being melancholic about the day’s arrival. over the years of tears, i’ve finally found something to pinpoint the birthday depression on. it feels like a mix of grief, childhood nostalgia, and fear for the future, with some regrets sprinkled in here and there.

a brooding baby birthday alix

last year, i expressed these thoughts to my boss at the time, unable to really pinpoint where my sadness sprung from. we were in his office and he spun around his chair to grab his phone. he pulled up spotify, and played “is that all there is?” by peggy lee.

i was shocked how well my boss knew me — the song perfectly encapsulated my feelings about the day. wondering if this is it, if all my choices up to now really only led me to…this. i graduated college in 2020 into a pandemic. i worked in the industry for a few years but hadn’t yet made the jump to television writing, my dream job. i yearned to travel more but didn’t have the time or money to do so. i was upset for a myriad of reasons and the day brought them all to the forefront of my mind. like i said before, i felt like i lost my early twenties…and weirdly because of covid, i felt like one day i just woke up and was 25.

via megannnn_lynee on x

i’m so grateful that my boss showed me the tune because this year i was able to start my morning off with the song and the feeling that i was less alone in any of my regretful emotions.

another enlightening lesson i learned last year on my 26th birthday came from my dad. he opened my birthday card with a quote:

the great thing about getting older is you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been. - madeline l’engle

aging is daunting. and guess what? twenty seven isn’t even that old, it’s just the oldest i’ve ever been, so naturally i feel the significance that i’m getting older. my fear of aging is tied to my mortality and really intertwined with the loss of my mom two years ago. one of the most difficult lessons i’ve learned so far in my twenties is that getting old is a privilege, one a lot of people don’t get to have. seeing my age tick up another number scared me for a long time. but constantly worrying about how long i have to live took me out of my life, rather than making me more thankful for it.

i found how right my dad (and madeline l’engle) were. getting older offers you more life lessons to build upon and friendships to rely on. getting older has allowed me to know myself deeper than i ever have. it’s made me cherish my loved ones even more than before and appreciate my time with family and friends, knowing that more time is never guaranteed. like lorde sings in ‘stoned at the nail salon’: “spend all the evenings you can with the people who raised you, cause all the times they will change, it'll all come around.”

a scan of last year’s card from my dad

every birthday i learn something new, whether it be a small life lesson or something more significant. last year i gained two important lessons, so i wanted to leave you with some of the most important things i’ve learned in my twenties so far:

• show up for your friends! the last few years, we’ve focused on prioritizing our own self-care and while i think that’s beneficial, it’s also so valuable to show up for your friends. whether you’re celebrating them or talking them down from a difficult situation, being there means the world.

• speaking of friends — spend time with people who fill your cup, who refresh your soul.

• pick up the book on your nightstand before bed. even just for ten minutes!

• when traveling, run yourself around while your body can. have the most fun, eat all the foods & drink all the cocktails (i’m taking this lesson very seriously right now in mexico!)

• journal your emotions, don’t get angry and send them in a rapid text.

• run on time — in the wise words of anthony bourdain, “arrival time is everything.”

• see all the films that intrigue you, one might become your new favorite film (i’m thinking of a recent favorite that rewired my brain, interstellar)

• compliment the person in the restaurant in the jacket you like!

• share your art that you’re proud of even if you’re nervous. it’ll be worth it.

epilogue

something that brings me massive amounts of joy on my birthday is to watch one of my favorite movies. past year watches have included singin’ in the rain (1952), ladybird (2017), when harry met sally (1989), and the sound of music (1965). i’m leaning towards the technicolor dream that is singin’ in the rain, but i’ll let you know what i end up watching 💌

x, your pal al