the empty fortune cookie

trying on positivity for june

sitting around the lazy susan, a dozen with stomachs already crowded with marinated beef, fluffy dumplings, and slippery shrimp, reached for the plate of factory-sealed fortune cookies like we’d been lost in a shipwreck and hadn’t eaten in days.

we raced to pop the bags, crack our cookies open, and read the fortunes. the birthday girl, a little tipsy from the complimentary “shot” of whiskey (though “shot” does not correctly encapsulate the sheer size of glass they brought filled with the brown liquor), giggled as she wavered on deciding between the last two on the plate. everyone else picked their cookie by now, so she could take whichever of the remaining pair her heart desired.

i opened mine, eating half while reading, to my delight: “your loyalties will be rewarded.” always good — even from a manufactured cookie — to be reminded that my friends and mentors have my back. that people are saying my name in rooms i’m not in. it’s something i try to remember and use to hold myself up while i continue applying to both pertinent and random jobs looking for the next real step in my career…and checks in the meantime. this reminder hit me exactly when i needed it, and it happened in practice a few days ago. an old colleague texted me saying that their company has two job openings and a friend had brought up my name at drinks the night before. are you still available and looking? yes, oh my god, i am. please!

we went around the table counter-clockwise reading our fortunes. we all laughed when a new friend i met at the start of dinner read theirs: “your creativity is limitless.” we giggled at the recognition it was complimentary, but not a fortune — which might be the worst type of message you can get on those little slips. even they expressed that this was just their luck. everyone wants a fortune! not a compliment. compliments can come from anyone, anytime. i for one am generous with compliments.

we landed on the birthday girl, who still hadn’t opened her’s. with over ten sets of eyes on her, she cracked it open hurriedly, crumbs sprinkling themselves on her lap, and looked for the slip. there was nothing, nowhere. everyone oohed, some eyes opened wide, and some murmurs and sighs slipped. what could an empty fortune mean? why did we immediately assume the worst, like this cookie was a bad omen?

weirded out, my friend swiftly opened a second cookie. she scanned it, smiled, and read it to us, pleased with her fortune. the night moved on to the dance floor and no one looked back.

around a birthday, big life events, or even when i’m at a crossroads, i look for signs that indicate i’m moving in the right direction. a nod and a wink from the universe saying, “you’re all good, doll!” i know i’m not alone in this, and that’s why i think my friend was perturbed with the absent fortune. so i had to google it. the first answer i stumbled upon, and definitely my favorite, was “an empty fortune cookie simply means that a machine misfired on the assembly line and failed to insert the paper slip.” yeah, that is technically what it means, you’re so right google overview! i swiftly realized there’s no widely accepted answer to this question. i mean, how many people are asking it?

i’ve taken the decision into my own hands: i decided that finding an empty fortune cookie means you’re in charge and the author of your own destiny. in this way, that first fortune cookie was an auspicious birthday gift from the universe: here’s to a year of commanding your own destiny.

we place the value on the note in a fortune cookie. we can believe them if we want, if they’re useful to our mindsets or uphold current beliefs. like even though i still don’t have the new job, i continue to see the ways that my fortune was auspicious and truthful about my community having my back. ultimately your thoughts create your reality.

the last few weeks, i’ve gotten sorely out of practice using my thoughts and words to develop my reality. i’m caught in some of the worst self-talk i’ve used in years. i haven’t given myself the time to journal, which certainly contributes to the downfall. i feel like my meds are failing me (and in all honesty, they have been for quite a while), in turn making me fail my loved ones and myself. my inner saboteur — thank you mother ru — keeps reminding me of all the ways i’m worthless. emphasizing that at my big age, i’m not where i envisioned myself to be. i’m actually not even close. last week, i got two rejections for writing and visual art submissions in the same half hour and it felt like a stab in the heart and a brick to the brain. another nudge of how my work and art doesn’t matter.

but if i can’t pick up my internal monologue, then it’ll continue to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, a brutal loop to keep me down. it can be the most challenging thing to give yourself grace, but you have to. why is it so easy to offer our loved ones compassion and kindness, but not ourselves? i love tending to my relationships and being there for friends. why have i stopped treating myself like my longest friendship?

your work not accepted to a magazine? okay, maybe your essay was too similar to one they already preferred. you never got reached out to for an interview? maybe the job you got put up for was filled by someone who received a glowing recommendation from a trusted colleague. not everything can be about our shortcomings. at least not every time. exposure therapy to rejection is a bitch, and i’m not having fun with it, but how can you have any wins if you never put yourself out there?

i keep returning to the chorus of lorde’s “broken glass”:

i wanna punch the mirror

to make her see that this won’t last

it might be months of bad luck

but what if it’s just broken glass?

at a dinner the other night, one of my friends echoed a similar thought as they’ve been in a rut too: “ego death can’t last forever.” i’m taking their words and lorde’s to heart. the bad has to be merely temporary.

to avoid harmful self-talk and regain confidence in myself and my work, i’m starting a project for june. it’s difficult to heal this voice, and my project is not a heavy lift but rather something i’m trying to instill in my daily life. i’m seeking to catch myself in the negative thoughts, change course, and reframe the unhealthy narrative. to provide a reminder to myself why i need to keep going. reminders that my art will land in the right hands. that i’m surrounded by love. that the opportunities open to me are endless.

i’d love to share the workings of the project, but this experiment is coming together as i go. i’ve collected positive mantras and manifestations, my instagram reels quickly becoming a fortified feed of advice amongst silly videos, and am setting aside time to return to journaling. i will try to spot the negative thoughts, write them down to get them out of my brain, and move along. will it work? i don’t know. but there’s no harm in trying. maybe this summer will be one of fruitful self-compassion and i can check back in on what was most suitable for me. i can only hope that will be the case.

in the most stripped-down state: i promise to keep showing up for myself.

and june is pride! a time to celebrate being authentically yourself. i’d like to build her up instead of breaking her down this month.

x, your pal al

thank you for reading! if any of my pals have methods that work for a positive mindset, i would love to hear them and try them out :)