promises, promises

what do we owe each other? on doing what you say you will — and the times you fall short

hi darlings,

at the tail end of last december, as i wrote out my resolutions, an idea came to me. i set an intention to not cancel plans the day of. my goal was to give someone more cancellation notice when i knew deep down that i wasn’t going to do the plans i added to my calendar weeks before. this, of course, doesn’t count illness or any extreme circumstances. it was just a way to hold myself accountable! i found that in my multiple entertainment jobs, i became numb to the idea of cancelling on people last minute. in the entertainment industry, people are constantly shifting their schedules the day of — with and without reason. things come up, one side decides they don’t really need the call / meeting / lunch anymore, or someone needs something today, right now, or the world will end!

i didn’t like how easily i slipped into patterns of cancelling when i didn’t feel like doing something.

some days, i’d look down at my google calendar and sigh because i had drinks or dinner with someone i’d spoken to only once before. they wanted a job at the agency i worked at, they wanted to network, or they wanted me to read a new script they churned out: all things i was happy to do for someone i met and connected with! these asks have never been too much for me, and i still really enjoy meeting new people. you never know what will come out of a meeting — whether it be a productive partnership or simply a friendship. but time is a precious resource, and the older i get, the more that revelation stops me in my tracks and slaps me in the face.

so, the resolution began! intentionality with the plans i set, knowing when something is significant or not.

and i’d been doing well so far! the first quarter of the year, i kept my word about not cancelling on the day of — which also meant no double booking myself with things i wanted to do versus things i needed (or should) do. i was on a path of fixing these bad habits!

but like with all resolutions, there comes a time when you might break them. you get tested, the universe has different plans for your day. i’m an adult and life gets in the way. what have you!

this month, i had a coffee set with someone i formerly worked with. they reached out to check in and ask for these plans. when the text came in, there was a pit in my stomach. i felt like i should, but their presence has always made me feel uncomfortable. i wasn’t that ecstatic at the thought of this meeting, and i should’ve just said i didn’t have the bandwidth for it during this time. but i didn’t, i stomached my discomfort and set the meeting.

my april physical calendar design (from dirty clouds)

the night before the meeting, my computer screen started to malfunction and i had an interview the next day. i scrambled to book a genius bar appointment, the only available times being during my meeting, or during my interview. i knew i had to choose between taking the interview or the coffee, and right now i’m looking for my new job so i took the interview and booked the genius bar appointment!

i texted my meeting early the next morning, hours before we were set to gather. i was apologetic, but i also knew what the best move for me would be. they took a beat to respond and when they did, they told me to handle my tasks and do what i need to do, but that they value their time commitments (unlike me!! woohoo!) their tone and intention was clear in the text: they believed i was disrespectful, even though i had extenuating circumstances and they knew that i’m looking for my next gig. with this logic, i think they must believe the majority of people in our industry are disrespectful f*cks!

i was alright with their annoyance, and even anger, but not with their tone. at the end of the day, i know i am not a disrespectful person. we won’t be resetting our meeting, and that’s alright with me! but, i pose this:

what do we owe each other? our precious time? our constantly truthful, unwavering word? will we give each other grace when we falter on our word, or shut down into rudeness?

i wholeheartedly believe the only way we as a species have made it so far is by building communities and feeling like we owe each other our commitments and our word. a strong society is made on promises to each other, and everyone working in collaboration.

via sara hagale (@shagey__)

when i think of what we owe each other, the television show the good place (2016-2020) comes to mind. if you haven’t watched, the good place, created by michael schur, centers around four people who are in “the good place” after they’ve passed away.

i won’t give away too many spoilers for the series, but the protagonist, eleanor shellstrop, knows she has wrongly made it to the good place and wants to keep herself there. she searches through the neighborhood and gets paired with her soulmate, chidi anagonye. on earth, he was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy, and eleanor enlists him to teach her different theories in ethics and morality. they primarily studying t.m. scanlon’s what we owe each other (1998).

the good place

the show focuses on morality, the sum of a person’s actions throughout their lives on earth, and how people are capable of positive change when they help each other.

i believe the show works so well is because it showcases ethics in an easy to comprehend way, even if you haven’t read ethical masterworks and handbooks. i haven’t! it beautifully shows how when people work together, they can all become better people. at the end of the day, schur made a comedy with heart and a message about human nature. a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

my situation didn’t cause existential dread. i wasn’t hanging in the balance or trying to stabilize my single insufficient move with many morally positive ones. but! it did make me question my standards. i made a list of what i actually want + need to spend my time doing. whether that’s writing sessions or photography shoots, making more time for my family and close friends, or turning off a show i realize isn’t suiting me anymore. living close to my family and seeing them often has been such a joy in my life. it brings me so much comfort to prioritize nights with dear friends. and the last one has been deeply satisfying for me recently: realizing i don’t need to keep watching a show that isn’t working for me just because you want to join the cultural conversation! if you don’t jive with it, do what you need and watch or read something else!

i’m still going to keep my resolution. it’s a good lesson to listen to my gut: if i feel like i shouldn’t set something, i should save myself the time and effort, and just not set it in the first place! “i don’t have the bandwidth for this right now” shall be my kind, quick reply.

x, your pal al

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as a side note before i leave you for the week — as i was looking for images for my header, i rediscovered erifili’s beautiful piece on friendship, communication, and what we owe each other that she published last fall. it’s a powerful read and i glad i remembered it before i published so i could share with you!

what we owe to each other